someone may have said it

Imagine a tiny pebble. Imagine it in greys, color textured on smooth rock surface.
Imagine the taste of an apple. Is it sweet? sour? crunchy?
Imagine snow - is it white? cold?
Do you know these things? Do you know the pebble is made out of grey rock, that the apple is sweet and crunchy, that the snow is white and cold?

Well that wasn't thought provoking at all but it was something to write. I definitely do almost no writing outside of school related assignments. I am surely out of touch with myself - but happier now than some times of what I've written here in the past.

Creativity
At an all time low. This is something that needs emotional response. I'm not saying I never feel creative, but It's certainly become more rare. It may only be due to the fact that it's stuffy in here. And the whole in my head. I think I may be leaking fluids, can someone check that please.

Emotional Health
A don't feel ready to collapse on my face and piss all over myself- oh that's not that only requirement? Oh, well... I suppose there is growth here, however, I am in a ready to pounce state - I have strong desire, sometimes energy, sometimes motivation to get going somewhere, in some direction. This is healthy enough for me to work with.

Spirituality
An area I am severely retarded in. I hold no supernatural beliefs, and dont intend to adopt any - but i feel that the gap that fills a person in this area is empty in me. What can I fill it with?



sort of a stub here.... revisions later maybe

Dear Journal,

The week has been proceeding as it normally does, in any technical sense of the calendar. The days have been quite empty though because my break is much too long. Nearly everyone is back at school already. I'm left to doing nothing of any productive substance for much of the days. There's still another week after this one before school starts, and another week of the same will surely drive me crazy, which is known to be a cause of mental distress.


I've tried picking up my guitar but I'm farther gone than "uninspired". It takes willpower to keep a straight face most days. I wish I was simply trying not to laugh.

I watched a very disturbing movie on Monday and have been bombarding myself with further video "de-stimilation" in an attempt to vacate my mind. It may have worked, but I doubt it.

This is an empty house, a cold house.

calenders reset last week starting with a new January

It's been too long since anything psychedelic happened.

It's nice to know comforting fact that life can't be chosen, it's been given.


We have this gigantic frontal lobe dedicated to thinking of the future.
What a serious pain in the ass it is when it gets in the way of the moment.
Fun is had when the future is out of thought.

Good morning all,

Class starts tomorrow.

Not feeling excited about the classes i choose though. Hopefully my professors will provide a different angle :/

so class options in davis for fall look like shit.
driving to sacramento sounds like shit.
What to do?

we've all started here
we've yet to settle
we're headed in different directions

we're all made up of entropic molecules


if only we could feel it, as we are ripped apart by this inevitable system

the human consciousness is an interesting thing, we are born and given a glimpse of the universe

1 hour can feel like a long time.

24 hours in a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks in a year, it all adds up and we feel it. one year is a sizable thing in a human life.

1...10...100....we might agree that 1,000 are a lot of years. one human may live to be 80. 100 is 20% more than 80. 100 is longer than most humans live. 1000 is ten times that. 10,000 is longer than any culture has existed in one recognizable linear form. 100,000. 1,000,000. these numbers stop having human meaning as they include more time than hominids have existed. 1,000,000,000. perhaps our universe is 10,000,000,000 years old. but what does that mean to us???

i wonder what living for a billion years would feel like.

It appears the same now as the thought that generated it.


ive spent too long here.


ive spent too long

hello.


I was summoned for jury duty for today, but it was canceled. what kind of fun is that?



Well corn on the cob.

Hard to find a reason to write in here anymore, I dont often consider journal writing for my own benefit - not to say it wouldn't be beneficial.

It's hard to imagine an entire future spent here in Davis.
It's hard to imagine a future anywhere though, as imagining an entire future would require quite a bit of imagining!
But I can't tolerate it much longer, I need to explore!

well the first semester is almost over.

At the start of the year i was wonder how the heck i was going to spend the hour and 40 minutes i have between my classes on mondays and wednesdays. but now i look forward to it. The mornings in the park are great. It may become more of a drag when it really starts raining more, but i'll figure something out.

meow. meow.

meow meow meow.

meeoooww.


mewwwwwwmmp.



the lights have been turned on. Theres no hiding now.
Can't remember that thing i was supposed to remember, gotta say something now, gotta give them something.
Can either step away with them cheering, or with the sounds of their disapproval. Whats it gonna be


theres so much to hide. cant you tell.

Before today i thought everything was clear.
Each day one after the other was a fine polish to my image of life.



Aubrey treated me to Saw IV today. It was alright, but it was pretty confusing when the "saw moment" came together at the end. I'll have to watch it again.



Movies a pretty convincing these days visually and the audio is fantastic. Writing is the hard part, writing is what really makes or breaks a story. The word story even illustrates further the importance of writing.



Saw III with the help of a little something extra was made intense beyond what any movie could do to me.
The images of tearing flesh, giant metal grotesque-ities, twisting bones, and the persistent rotation of sounds of tearing, grinding, screaming, pounding, sawing, crunching snapping, was nothing compared to the emotional feeling of
what person would or wouldnt do to another in terms of inflicting pain,
there was something there the movie wasnt designed to do at all. It has no words. it has no fucking names.
you either feel it or you dont. I certainly do not, but i did, and i hope i dont have to often.

I dont want to at all, but in a way i think its necessary

in a way the movies (up till the 3rd one) grow more and more intense, jigsaw sawing can you take this, do you feel this in the first one, are you alive

ARE YOU? DO YOU? CAN YOU? in the second

and oh my fucking god in the third one its CAAAAN YOU FUCKING!!!! DOO YOU FUCING!!! REALLY???? ARE YOU ALIVE????


like having your arm slowly twisted, playing a game at first until your flesh starts tearing.

the writing is kinda weak in all the movies. the characters all a little dumb, but none the less human. the characters are human, making human errors. so it makes sense to me

you're minds never clear and emtpy, be ready to handle the intensity of ten times whats going on now

five. four. three. two. one.


a high pitched whistle

a low rumbling grind

sometimes i wish livejournal didnt automatically post the date, so i could say it myself

Monday, 22 October. 2007

Good day today, as good as a day one could hope to have.
School wasnt much in the way of adventurous, or exciting in the way one hopes to be excited, in the way i like being excited.

In Psychology we watched a video, and the teacher let us go early because he had a doctor's appointment.
In math we did math.

Work was alright, i found a big feather and used it on my fellow employees.
One giggled. One i think was pretty surprised, she had no expression though.
One yelled at me...well whined, really.

is there nothing left? is there nothing left at all?

So im working at Halloween Headquarters again.

I'll need to get a more long term job after this (more than 1 month)

but it's nice. I know if i get too stressed out with school and work, the work will be over in not too long, and I'll probably make a good 600 bucks, maybe less if i dont get a ton of hours.

Actually seeing as how late i am, probably a lot less... dunno though, i dont actually know what my wage is...

using full words or sentences still doesnt make up for the fact that you probably arent a brilliant writer, and even if you are, you arent using your brilliance in your text messages

and even IF you are doing and are all that...

theres STILL...

SEVENTY (70) PERCENT lost in your communication

this is very intention in some, over the head of others.

you should limit yourself to saying little things that dont even matter if you use words or sentences.

just keep that in mind.

also, you look ridiculous punching away at your phone when theres the world moving around you.


Theres a kid in my psych...

He comes in and starts tapping on his phone. The teacher is blind and cant see it.
Im embarrassed for him.



Tell me, he really feeling some powerful human urge to communicate and connect with others?What could he possibly be needed to say right now? (class is just over an hour, nothing is going to change between now and then that you can fix on your phone, in most cases, few exceptions)